What are you lookin at?

There are things on stage you can rant about and make funny but there are some things that you cannot in the context that you would like. Mainly two things for today that bother me in both life and comedy.

The first one is that no one will ever say things to your face. If you truly believe something with passion and conviction you should be able to tell people to their face what you think and feel. Everything can be said in a cordial fashion and that is the key. If you think someone is an asshole you don't go swinging at him about it ..you bring it up casually...like you are trying help him because we all have played the role of asshole.

A few years ago, there was a comic who had and still has not the best reputation. I was working with him on the road and not looking forward to it. Mainly because of his rep of going long.... one thing I don't like is comics that go long. I don't mean two or three or five...I mean ten or fifteen where it looks like they are trying to show the manager they are a headliner by sucking all the energy out of the room so the headliner is doomed.

Over the course of the weekend the comic actually did not go long and did not suffer from anything like his reputation. Maybe he liked me..maybe he was tired..maybe he finally said fuck it, I am windsor, no one cares if I kill or just do allright. Why try so hard when I am in windsor. Who fucking cares...the bottom line is he did his time and was professional.

Over dinner he asked me what I thought and what people are saying about him. Now.... many people know that I am like the Brian Linehan of comedy and if they want to know what people are saying they ask me. Don't ask if you don't want to know, simple as that.

So I told him my true thoughts about him in a nice way and tried to show my side of it. I told him his rep of going long...of being a bit of an asshole (not to me). I also told him of specific instances where he did things that were assholish. He sat there thought about it and agreed. Now I am not saying that after this conversation he started helping old ladies across the street and baked cakes on sundays....but at least I said it the truth to his face.

I also told him of my worries that he would go long and that he had not done it. I said that when I go back to toronto people will ask me if he went long and I will tell the truth. Please don't email me and ask who this is I will not tell you.


The thing is...... I have had this talk with many comics that have bad reputations and I feel that if you tell them in a reasonable way they will sometimes admit there own shortcomings and try to do better. Some will still be little bitches but hey I tried. You have to remember that all reputations should not be taken as 100 per cent pure. Comics have agendas just like other professions.

I have taken verbal swings at comedyclub owners/comics but they never walk around thinking that we are buddies or get upset when a comic repeats what I say. In most cases those people are the first to hear my comments. I have had my fair share of trying to run guys over or calling managers/bookers on their shit if i think it is right.

"We don't pay for travel to the club in sudbury Darren" Yeah right Chris...how's dairy queen doing

I also respect people who say what they mean and are honest. The longer you are in show business the more you appreciate honesty. The number of times when an owner has almost rimmed me cause of how great I was and then called and told my agents I barely did ok is mindblowing. Because of this, I have a problem trusting people in the industry when they tell me how great I am. It is almost like I should order my favorite steak knives so at least after they are in my back I can regift them.

The second thing that has bothered me is how certain people never grow up. They are stuck in some weird peter pan land of chocolate. Some people have no game plan and just let the "stars" plot their course in a sense. When I first moved to toronto I had a place where I was paying 267 rent. Now that is cheap rent..you know why I stayed there...i only made around 600 a month total income in the beginning. So to make sure I had enough you have to adapt and roll with the punches.

What amazed me in toronto is the number of comics that bitched about having no work and ordering another round of beers while I sat and drank water or pop. I apologize but it is really hard for me to feel sorry for someone who is complaining about money while they are literally pissing their life away. These are the same comics that bitch about things and never get things done cause they are too hungover.

Now we all have our vices I understand that...but at the same time we are not 18 anymore and daddy ain't gonna come and make the big bad credit man go away...or the evil bitch childsupport/taxman just dissappear. I have always felt bad for someone if I felt they did not have any money and tried to help them out...that is until I see them spending way too much on booze or drugs.

I have heard all the theories on how this behavior assists in material creation...I don't buy it. I know of some of the best comics in canada and they have never done any kind of drug or have a drinking problem. I also know of many comics that are trapped into thinking that they can only perform when they are drunk or need the alcohol and that I feel sad for. The best high since I was young was getting someone to laugh at something either I wrote or happened to me. Even if it was a painful experience, at least that means I didn't go through it for nothing.

I guess the moral of the story is: Be honest, respectful have a game plan and don't ask me for money when you are hammered.

and scene fuckies