What are you lookin at?

So I did another weekend on this Hate To Live Tour and it appears that it might be the omen of my career. This is going to be a long blog so get some coffee and a cookie.

Here we go... I need to go over it like a calender of events with a dateline and all so I can relive the pain and shame with you.

Monday Feb 27

I receive an email from a comic who has played the club I am about to do in hamilton. He is saying that the sound is fucked at the club and that I might want to be for warned. Now I have been to this club twice in eight months and there has always been sound problems. It is not rocket science... as comics we need sound then lights... and in that order.

The comic says they are going to fix it by the time I get there or at least that is what he was told. Now the other comic on the show was a world class headliner and I start to think to myself... how embarrasssing for him that he still has to play divy places like this.

Thursday March 2

I speak with the other comics on the show and tell them my concerns that their may be sound issues and that we better prepare for the worst. We laugh and joke about it and think kinda like the way a vietnam vet feels on his first day... fuckin suck it up and fight.

Friday March 3

This town has two comedy clubs and you do the early show at the downtown venue (the one with the sound issue) and the mountain location that is a brand new club. We get to the old venue and are told that they are still having sound issues.

Well sound issues ends up meaning that the small crowd of forty, are going to have to see the show without amplification from the comics... yes kids I had to yell my whole act. Now you may say big deal darrren just deal with it and I agree somewhat with that. The problem is that my act is loud and by screaming I am not sure how long my voice with last. I taste blood sometimes on normal weekends where there are no sound problems.

So I scream through the show and it turns more into a theatre piece then a comedy show and that is why I felt bad. People came to see a comedy show not some one man play that even though was funny, it was not what they thought it would be. Of course I had to get on my soapbox and become over preachy and that did not help. The show comes into the station and is over and we make our way over to the new club.

The new club is very nice but they too have sound issues... they have amplification just not that much and it is hard to hear yourself so that will be show number two that I have to scream more then I would like. Also the lighting is not the best when you have more lights in your bedroom then you do in a club.

I was promised that the sound would be fixed at the early show venue by tomorrow.

Saturday March 4

We all make the drive fearing the worse. Once we get to the club I do a sound check and all is ok. We do the first show and I can really feel the effects of last nights screamfest on my voice. I am in danger of losing my voice so I try not to scream too much and let the mike do the work. The show was ok and I did the best I could.

We arrive at the second venue and it is packed... sold out and ready to rock. Everything looks good.. too good. They are a young crowd and are hammered before the show even starts. While the middle comic Aaron, a very funny comic, the crowd starts to heckle and at first it is not real problem cause he handles it like a pro.

The problem is that the later the show goes, the more people get hammered and the more the yapping bitches will yap. SO it eventually gets to the point that Aaron has to yell shut the fuck up more then once. The large table won't take the hint and I am starting to feel the pain go up my neck cause I have been here before. This is going to be death and I know who is going to have to carry the body... me.

Aaron has to deal with it so much he has to drop his closer as he runs out of time. Now I am brought on with a disruptive crowd with a whisper for a voice. At first I think hit them with the respect speech and hopefully someone in the crowd will have my back or be pissed off as much as us that the show is not going great. No such luck.

I then do the speech that if you don't like me then leave since I am the last guy and it ain't going to get any better. The large table starts to take the hint and leaves the venue. So does this other table.. to me it is just get through the rough spot darren and you will be able to reset the crowd.

So eventually I am left with a smaller crowd but one who is at least listening. Now after this much aggression you cannot expect to walk out a star... you can hope to maybe do a 7 out of 10 at best and walk out with some pride. I just keep going through the jokes and do some newer stuff since the older ain't flying so why not try something else.

One side note to all of this: there is a table in the front of women in their 40's that also has heckled all throught the night. Not just me but everyone and they are looking less then happy with me.

I am ten minutes from the end and I do my signature bit called the minute of hate which ends with the two jokes one is about porn and the other is this one

"My grandmother had a birthday last week... we didn't know how old she was till I counted the rings around her cunt"

Hey I am not super proud but it is a funny line to end a rant where this is more about waking up a crowd then anything.

After I say this line a woman in the front of the group says... this is where this gets funny I promise (bold is my lines)

"This is terrible you should be ashamed of yourself... putting your grandmother in porn"

I said...

"What are you talking about"

"You heard me it is disgusting to do that... to put your grandmother in porn"

"What are you talking about I never said that... what the fuck show are you watching"

"Yes you did"

"Those were two separate jokes... under your way of thinking... you have a cunt so that means you do porn?"

She just gives me this stunted look and waves me off and starts to babble at her friends. So I turn to here friend and say

"What the fuck is wrong with your friend... do you hang out with her so you can feel better about yourself. You like to hang out with dumb people to feel intellectually superior."

"You know what... I thought you were funny for the first twenty mintues but now I don't think so"

"Honey I don't care what you think just be quiet or go to the back"

"You suck"

So I turn to her friend again

"How do you control the urge to not just grab a beer cap and slit her throat open... and then shove her ass full of candy so when she spews this bullshit at least candy can fling from her neck and be useful"

Now here friends are actually laughing and agreeing with me that she is a bitch and this really pisses her off so she says some more you suck lines and every one is telling her to shut up in the crowd. So I continue and say

"Honey here is a tip for your parents..tell them next time they have kids which I don't think is biologically possible since you are so old... if they are going to have kids in petri dishes to make sure they clean them in between kids cause some of the of your siblings dna is slipping in"

"My parents are dead asshole"

"Yeah they are dead cause they killed themselves cause they had you"

Now to be honest I have used that DNA line before but it worked on this dorky cunt so I win

She then yells at me and says

"at least I stopped wearing velour in the seventies"

"oh that is all you have honey... you are going to make fun of my shirt..you are going to come at me with that... ring ring recess is over... I will travel through time and cut out your mothers cunt"

So know she stands up and says

"That is it you are an asshole and a hateful prick and you are not funny one bit. I was just being nice when I said I thought you were funny..the other guy was funny but you are not and your jokes are just dumb and ignorant"

"Look you can say I am not funny that is fine but my jokes are not dumb and ignaorant they are just too over your head that is all"

I know grandma cunt jokes are highly intellectual...

"Fuck you and your small cock" she says as she walks to the back of the room

"My cock is too small cause you have a big cunt"

"You'll never know"

"Yeah cause the line is too long and I got shit to do"

"Whatever"

"Shut your mouth I can smell your fathers cock from here!!

Pretty generic stuff really but then I unloaded this on her

"Honey your kids wish they had down syndrome so they wouldn't be able to figure out how dumb mommy is"

Of course the crowd is going nuts for all of this. I start to scream other things at her and blah blah blah

I end the set by just setting the record straight about one thing

"Look folks I do not appreciate one person or one group of people fucking up the show for everyone else. I respect my act and those people who took time out of their day to come here and pay hard earned money. I have had death threats and been physically assaulted in the past but they will never stop me from what I want to say.. NEVER"

I walked off the stage... Show over.

So people come up to me and say great show and we all laughed so hard and four guys who allways come to the shows in hamilton loved it. The other comics on the show felt it was the best show in awhile cause it lived up to the Nasty Tag that I often get.

Sure it was a show unlike any other and that should count for something... I now wish I taped the show. At least I put the new five I have worked two weeks on and it worked but that shit goes unnoticed in these kinda shows.

One of the staff members was like "I am glad that table that walked out wasn’t my table". They are worrying about their tip and I understand that but that is not my problem.

Assholes should not be tolerated in comedy clubs and this behavior should not be condoned. If they would police a little better then people would come out more and not feel like they are wasting their money. That is the bottom line... some people that night felt ripped off. Some of the blame goes to me for going to far but most goes on the fact that assholes must be dealt with.

I don't know... and I am not saying this for pity or a slap on the back... I just don't know.

Is this why I got into comedy to ego stroke and win some bitch slapping contest in hamilton on a snowy feb weekend.

I remember listening to emo philips tapes or woody allen stuff thinking this is the shit when I was 13.

Wow it must be great to write a joke and get a laugh and tour the world and meet new people.

Now I know why comics drink as much as they do and are fucked up the way they are cause that is a pipedream for most... a crack pipe.