What are you lookin at?

Alright here we go again

So I am currently in windsor at the the club most comics detest performing in. In the last few weeks many great clean friendly comics have turned to the crowd and screamed obsentities at them. Hey are they stealing my act? I am sure if you call them on it they will say we have an agreement.

The early show was odd since there was only 15 people there total. I am actually replacing someone this weekend and was supposed to be here in a few weeks. How do you perform in front of 14 people...you don't. But 15 its magic time baby.

I don't think the perform ratio should be based on the number of heads but the total intelligence score of the audience dived by the number of people and if the average is below Dustin Diamonds then I say no show fuckies.

Luckily the 15 people seemed cool enough. There was one big group that was about 8. Now when a group is more then half the crowd you have no choice but to perform for them. That is what the little monkey did...dance monkey dance. It was a family and there were a couple there in their sixties and after every other joke the lady kept turning to the husband saying

"I don't get that one"

Which one did she get..the one where I said I was 35 to which she said

"You look much older"

That is what started it, I am honest. From that point I made the whole show about how fucked my career is and that I should just kick out the back window and kill myself to which nine cheered out loud.

"I don't get that one..why would the old looking fat fuck who dances like a monkey for us want to kill himself"

I jumped around and cried a little and screamed at nana. Perfect start to a weekend.

The late show Friday: The show of Doom

Now in earlier blogs I have already stated that this is the worse show of the week so no need to go into that.

The front row had a chick who was hammered and within three minutes of being on stage, we were at war of words.

She kept saying "bring it on" and I kept telling her that unlike the other comics who are nice..I am not. This exchange went on for a few minutes till finally I broke like a water dam. Words flew out of me like cum outside the corner of monica lewinsky's mouth.

"How did you keep you hair looking so nice when you took off the helmet"

Now if you are new or playing at home, that is one of the oldest tricks in the book. Call them retard by infering they wear a helmet or ride the big bus to the show. Crowds love it every time

At one point she actually comes on stage and tries to word dual with me. She grabs the mike and says in slurred speech but you knew that

"for a little guy you are kinda cute"

"Are you actually coming on to me...I would rather go to mexico and stick my cock in the hole in the ground they shit in... then put it inside you"

She walks off stage.

End of round one lets see the score in this game of retard tennis

lets say 15-love

I try and do a few more jokes and she starts up again. She stands and grabs the curtain and moves it to cover part of the window that was showing. So I said to her

"Oh thank you...Good thing you covered the window or the next three jokes would have sucked. What do you do for a living..do you just go from field to field hoping the aliens will pick you up. Fuck me in the ass this time ET cause the last time you fucked me in the ear no one believed it. Someone said that I made it up cause it happened in star trek 3. "

Then I pulled out the old ET impression from when I was six

"Who am I kidding..even ET wouldn't fuck you...COCK HURT PHONE HOME...PHONE HOME COCK HURT"

Did you see what I did there...see the craft kids......I made ET a Rapist who regrets what he did cause his pee pee hurt. So remember our Alien friends the next time you want to probe one of us...get all your vacinations and wear a rubber. That is one to grow on.

At one point I acted like a donkey was chasing her and I told her to RUN..RUN GIRL. She got all weird and said she would not run and I was like

"Yeah you would lie down and take that giant donkey cum till it came out of your ears ...that way ET would not require lube next time"

Then she said that "You are fucking with the wrong bitch!!"

So I said that "it feels like I am stuck in a bad episode of chips"

Then i pulled back the curtain a little from the wall and said

"Have you ever heard of a place called narnia...why don't you go to narnia....you know the lion the BITCH and the wardrobe..I mean WRONG BITCH"

I am forgetting lots of lines but it ended with her in the bathroom and me saying into the mike

"I know you can hear me in there..when you standup make sure you look at the bowl when you flush cause that is your future going down the drain..and see that little piece of corn hanging on the end of your shit..that is your kids future going as well."

Note number two: always make a corn reference when making a shit reference..they go together like corn and shit.

And scene....I do a few more jokes and leave the stage. Everyone puts their fur coats on and grabs their programs and goes for a quick night cap in the smoking room.

After the show a girl came up to me and actually said this to me. I am not fucking kidding

"Umm we actually thought the show was going to be funnier and it is my friends birthday..could you come to our table and tell some more jokes"

Now she seemed like a nice person so I offered her a free cd for her friend but politely declined.

She declined the cd.