What are you lookin at?

So last night on the first show of my east coast tour I did an hour and 15 minutes. Let me say that again..that is 75 minutes. No comic should do that much time. I like the sound of my own voice (which is inherently better then say a happy cab driver) but come on Darren your soap box is turning into a martyr box.

It wasn't even a great crowd for fucks sake but I had to punish them...yeah I showed them. Way to go dickhead, they have now seen enough comedy they need counselling afterwards ...show me on the dolly. They just sat there like they have never seen this thing called standup before. Like I was opening for rita mcneil and people just sat and smiled.

"I hope she does songs from her last tv special"

Nothing I like more then complacency...right after genital warts and back to back episodes of (insert lame tv show here there are enough of them).

Earlier in the day I arrived at the hotel which is a 4.5 star hotel...fucking gorgeous place. All the comics go Darren wait till you see the room at the hotels...you live like a king. Well I felt great till i saw my room. They put us in a room that had holes in the wall....the chair had holes in the fabric...the toilet slightly broken....no clock radio...the list goes on and on. I mean i can't even put into words the tomb i was staying in. There was a window sure...two feet by one foot that i had to jump up at it to get a view of a roof top.

The rooms were so bad the other comic faked an illness to get a room upgrade. How sad is our busines that I have to contract aids to get a room with a window big enough to kill myself from. Can you say irony kids i knew you could fuckfaces.

So when I complained theny gave me the same song and dance that they are sold out blah blah blah. Do you know how disappointing that is.... it is like taking a hot girl back to your room and finding out she is a dude..sure there is a breath mint on the pillow but that ain't getting rid of the taste of cock. Now you just have minty cock breath which I think is worse by the way...all that cock taste with just a hint of springtime.

Four hundred rooms and I get the sailer cum room. If I had a DNA wand it would light up like a light saber. So now I have to do things to make the room justify itself. So for the whole weekend gang bangs in room 629...I am going to get hammered every night and throw up in my room to make it go from a 2 star to a 3 star room.

Maybe i will figure out a way to jimmy the small window open and I can get stuck in the window head first and freeze to death. But only my upper torso..I want my bottom half to be room tempature so I still can produce gas. They won't find me till wednesday and I want them to puke when they find me..someones else's puke: 3 star goes to 3.5.

Look it is my own version of the aristocrats joke...wah wah

day two up next